God is Writing Our Love Story

No motivation

2011-09-20T18:21:00.000-07:00

I have no motivation, and that is NOT a good thing! my life has been crazy busy since July.

Here I sit... Watching Prime Time T.V. with my laptop in front of my face, and I can't find motivation. I guess I can tell you what I've been doing.

I've been going to Grandmas every other weekend, and on the weekends between, I've been just as busy. Camping with the in-laws, going to get out photos taken, more camping... a baby shower is coming up and then somewhere in there I want to have a scentsy party.

Also, I've decided to challenge myself. You've all heard of the drama with the U.S. Post Office. Basically, they are taking funding away. I don't know everything about it, but I think it has something to do with technology. People pay bills online and people communicate with technology. Like I said, I don't know much about it. So anyway... I challenged myself to write 1 letter a week to a friend. To help 'dust out the cobwebs' in their mail box. (like my SIL would say) Jeff even picked my first victim. LOL

So, that is about as much blogging as I can focus on today.

Our New Hamster Mobile

2011-08-27T18:58:00.000-07:00

Jeff and I have had SO much trouble with our car since January 2011. The car has been in and out of the 'car hospital' about 3 times, costing us an arm and a leg, on top of our monthly car payments. No thank you! I was so over our car. On the way to work one Friday morning, I was about 3.5 miles away from home when our car just broke down. I was right next to Northwestern H.S. when I guess the Timing Belt broke. Long story short, had to tow in the car, and literally 9 WEEKS and 3 auto shops later, we got our car back... JUST to have the AC quit working the VERY NEXT DAY! I was livid! This is what I believe to be one of the hottest summers I've lived through, and we've not had AC for the 9 weeks our car was in the shop, then what would you know... The AC quits working the very next day it comes out of the shop.

Jeff and I decided to start shopping around for a new car. I was so upset with our car that I told her (yes, my car is a her) that we are trading her in for a younger, more attractive model. She was being replaced. My dream car (or SUV rather) is an orange Honda Element... You know, that burnt orange color. I just think it looks great, unique, and just my style. Well, my hubby was not on the same page as me. I do understand that they cost more than we could really afford, so, we kept looking. One thing that is unique AND we could both agree on is a Kia Soul. The next thing to do is pick a color we both like. That was easier than I thought. Jeff thought I would want an orange, since that's what I want my Element to be, but when I saw an orange Soul, I didn't really like it as well. I told Jeff I actually like the green color better, or better known as "alien". Ok, that's what we want. I ended up going down to my Grandmas house, so Jeff got to test drive a Soul without me. Oh well. Jeff told them what we wanted, and put down a deposit. The next step is the longest. Waiting. We waited. 3 weeks we waited for our Alien Soul to arrive. FINALLY we got word that OUR Alien Soul is waiting on us in Lafayette. Friday night was the first time we were both able to go to Lafayette and pick it up. I was not sad to drop off the Altima . I was more than happy to drive up and see them shinning up our Soul. But wait, more waiting! We still had to sign papers, and the guy we were waiting on was already with another customer. Oh but that would be too easy right? Then, the computer system went down. We had to wait for that to come back up. (this is when I was able to test drive it) FINALLY we were able to sign papers and drive it home. I can not believe we have a new car! We are have already made rules. #1 NO smoking (we don't smoke, so this rule is for any family/friends who ride in it) #1 NO eating or drinking (for now) and #3 NO PUGGLES until we get seat covers, and the divider. (so they won't jump up into the front seats - they love doing that. ) When we drove it off the lot, there were 13 miles on our new car. And driving it home from Lafayette put some miles on it, running errands in Kokomo, and going to the Walton Freeze really put some miles on it. I can't believe it's in the 100's already! It takes NO time at all to add on the miles. Enough of the story, here is our new car!

Great Grandma's Tea

2011-08-17T18:49:00.000-07:00

Great Grandma Jewell was a beautiful woman. Strong. Independent.
She had a heart that you don't find very often these days. Great Grandma Jewell lived in California, and I grew up here in Indiana, so I never really got to know her that well. We had phone conversations that brought us together, or as together as we could be. I was able to visit her twice in my life. Once right after I graduated H.S. in 2002 and once in 2007, when she turned 90 years old. I was so thrilled to sit by her side, and listen to her talk. I didn't care that she had Alzheimer's, and usually asked the same questions several times, I felt a strange connection to her. A woman I hardly know, but her blood runs through my veins. She is the woman I was named after. She is the Mother of the Mother of my Mother. My Great Grandmother went through so much in her 92 years. She was a wife, a Mother of 3, a Grandmother, and a Great Grandmother. She went through jobs, then owned a business. At the end of her life, she was living in her own home, with her two loves (chihuahuas) and her son.

A couple weeks ago, I stayed with my Grandmother. She sat me down and told me, did not ask me, to take the Silver Tea set. When my Grandmother explained to me that this was Great Grandmas Tea set, I did not argue. I have in my house a piece of her now. I beautiful set that I can show off, and a pass down to my children some day. I am blessed to have known her. Even if I didn't know her well, she is my Great Grandmother. I love her. I miss her.

He Loves Me

2011-08-15T19:48:00.000-07:00

Summer 2011 has been something else. It's been busy with a new job. Driving to and from Indy to work in a call center. It sounds crazy, and I will be the first to admit that it is, but... sometimes to get what you want, you have to make some sacrifices. Working at BV, I was working every single weekend, and just about EVERY holiday. Jeff and I only got to see each other on weekends, since I worked 2nd shift, and he works 1st shift, and even then, it was only half a weekend day at a time. I missed my husband. So, driving to and from Indy Mon=Fri (even with gas prices at $4.20) worked for us so that I could be home most evenings, all weekends, and holidays. I am now actually able to work from home. My office is in my house. I just walk to the spare room and work 8 hours a day. (that's a blog waiting to happen) It has been amazing. Actually planning things with friends on weekends and family dinners. It's the small things that add up when you miss them all the time. I have actually taken the puggles to the Dog Park a couple times this summer, and we plan on going to Pooches at the Pool at Kokomo Beach at the end of August. (I'm sure that'll be something to blog about as well!) I have also been trying to grow a garden. That's something to laugh at! I don't know why, but the only thing (Besides weeds) that I can grow are peppers and sunflowers. My sunflowers are BEAUTIFUL! So many sizes and colors. Now that I am working from home I go out to the garden, cut my own home grown sunflowers, and put them on my desk. I love it. I feel blessed ever time I look at them. One of my sunflowers began to wilt, so I started plucking each petal one by one, and of course saying "He loves me, He loves me not". I got down to the last petal, and guess what... HE LOVES ME. He is just amazing. A hard working man. I look forward every day when he comes home at 4pm. (I can hardly wait to get off work at 5pm) It is a blessing to be his wife. "He loves me, and I love him".

My 100 Day Challenge

2011-03-02T20:11:00.000-08:00

As a woman with PCOS, I read blogs, about PCOS. Makes sense right? Well, I stumbled upon a blog that has helped me out. I've mentioned this blog before. The other night, I was reading her blog, and she posted that she was starting a new challenge for herself. She decided that she was going to go 100 Days Soda Free. I've quit soda (pop as I like to call it) before, and know that I am capable of doing it again. I'll be starting a weigh loss challenge here real soon with other woman with PCOS. With this challenge, it is best to cut out all pop, carbs, sugars, fried foods, processed foods. SO, what CAN I eat? Well, meat, and above ground veggies are the best. Add some protein in (with shakes and such) and you have yourself a PCOS diet. *shutter* I really feel restricted while on this diet, and I doubt it is something I can do for the rest of my life. I do feel like keeping up with this diet is a good and healthy choice for me, but I'll need my cheat days. If you are a woman with PCOS, and think a weight loss challenge sounds like something you would be interested in, go to this blog and read about it. I have made the choice to do this, since it seems to be very much like the strict diet I was on last winter. I did lose 35 lbs, however I did not keep it off. I will try to lose weight, and try HARDER to keep it off this time. I have to do this for me, and my children. So, back to the point of this post, I am starting 100 Days Soda Free. I started on March 1, and the 100th day will be the day after my birthday, June 8th, 2011. If you would like to join this challenge you are welcome to. :)

Roller Coaster of Emotions

2011-03-01T20:23:00.000-08:00

Well today was a crazy day for my emotions. I started the day being anxious about the appointment. I wasn't sure if insurance would cover today's ultrasound, and well, just then entire situation just gets me anxious. Then I get there, and talk to the Nurse. She made me feel real good by the end of the appointment. She answered all the questions I had, and didn't make me feel crazy. (I usually feel like the Dr. is judging me in some way or another) By the time I went to check out, they told me I owed $275. Um... WHAT?! There was miscommunication about what type of ultrasound I had today, and they were going to make me pay for it. Turns out, my ultrasound wasn't a 'cycle ultrasound', so it was able to be filed on insurance. YAY! The lady at the front desk said, ''I'm sorry, and don't ever let me get your blood pressure up like that again." LOL I walk out of that appointment feeling great. I had some answers, and a plan. Well, later that day, I got a call back from Nurse Lisa, and the news she had for me is NOT what I thought was coming. First she said, yes, my Estrogen is low, and that I pretty much knew was coming. Then she said that my Doctor had a different plan. He wanted me to start birth control pills (of all things) and then I"ll start my other med to induce ovulation. I am not sure, but the sound of the birth control flipped the switch. I lost it! I cried until my eyes burned with makeup, and I almost got a headache. When Jeff got home, I lost it again, and he was able to talk to me, and say the words that only my husband can say to make me feel better. One good thing about an emotional crash, I feel so much better. I feel like I just needed to let it out, like it built up until it was too much to hold.
Here is a picture of my ovaries. The top picture is my uterus, nothing special, they just measured the lining. (it looks like a bunch of NOTHING) The middle picture is my Left ovary, and it's the 'blob' in the picture, and all the black spotty things on that blob are my cysts. The bottom picture is my Right ovary, and same thing, the spotty things on the blog are my cysts. (the Right ovary is harder to see.)

1st round...

2011-02-28T20:46:00.000-08:00

It has been a very emotional two weeks for me. I've been up and down like I've been on a roller coaster, and I don't much care for it. I got a shot in my behind on Valentines Day, and it was to induce a cycle withing 7-14 days. Today was day 14, and no such luck. I called my Dr. and they want me to come in for an ultrasound and blood test to check my estrogen and my lining. I am hoping for some answers, but if I have to try the medication again, I'm gonna have to wait a few weeks. I have a big change in my life happening, that I'll announce publicly later, but for now, the 2nd round might just have to wait for about 4 weeks.

With all this happening, the stress of my job, and my personal (family) life, I'm more surprised I haven't had a break down yet. I am very thankful for the PCOS Support group I have found on facebook, blog, and YouTube. My new Cysters have been so supportive and informative. I have learned so many things, and have understood so much more. I now realize I am not alone in my fight. I know others that have PCOS, but all symptoms are different. I thought I as actually going crazy with anxiety, depression, and a few other things, but now, I've learned that they are all part of PCOS. (doesn't that sound lovely!) I've met some very beautiful women across the country, and I've joined a Weight Loss Challenge, for Women with PCOS only. I really can't put into words how blessed I feel to have stumbled upon this community. I'll post more later when I get some answers. Have a wonderful day!

I Would Die For That

2011-02-20T20:04:00.000-08:00

This is a video I found while searching for PCOS support bands on Google. This song is how I feel. I'm really NOT a big fan of country music, but they seem to be the best at expressing emotion. I hope some day, I'll be able to hold up the sign saying that we're pregnant. Thanks for listening!

We're trying again.

2011-02-15T05:36:00.000-08:00

I'm really bad at blogging. I'm sorry, and I'll try to be better. I'll just update you on what's been going on in the world of the Angus Fertility Journey.

Back in November, we went back to the Doctor and the Dr laid out a plan for us. He is only doing one step at a time for now. (For a reminder what happened, go back 2 entry's in this blog) So, yesterday, Valentines Day we met with the Dr. again. I was told to go back on that diet, so when I talked to the Dr. and told him I had only lost 12 lbs, I thought he's be upset, but to my surprise, he was happy for just 12 lbs, and told me to keep it up. He asked how aggressive I wanted to be with this. Hmmm.. LOL I'm pretty sure I'm aggressive to the point that I WANT TO HAVE A BABY! But there is one thing that stops us... a budget. So, we decided this would be our next step. (I hope this isn't TMI for you)

I got a shot in my behind, and that will cause me to have a period. (I haven't had a natural period on my own since September 2002) So, on day 1 of the period, I need to call the Dr, to set up an ultra sound on day 12. On day 3, I'll take a new med, that is not Clomid, but something like it. This med will tell my ovaries to ovulate. Then, I'll go to the ultrasound, and take a look at the ovaries to see if any follicles have been stimulated enough to be released. We've decided to do the ultrasound instead of Ovulation Predictor Kits (OPK) so we can actually see the results, and not get just a yes or no answer we would get from the OPK. With the results, we'll know if we can try for baby, or need to start over with the meds. Right now, I'm just waiting. I'm excited to see what my body will decide to do. I'm ready for Baby Angus to get here already!

Shutterly.com is the way to go!

2010-12-09T17:23:00.000-08:00

Hello Bloggers! It's Christmas time - that means it is Christmas Card time. Are you making cards this year? If so, who do you use? Do you buy cards, make cards, or design them online? We've always made ours online. My husband and I have chosen Shutterfly.com to create our Christmas cards again this year, because we feel they have more cards in the style that best fit our personalities. We have chosen Shutterfly in the past because they always seem to have good deals, and saving money make me, my husband, and our bank account all very happy. In the past we've also used Shutterfly.com to make photo books. They make great gifts, but I never made photo books for gifts, I've always kept them for myself. Calendars also make great gifts. My SIL has made one for my MIL the past several years.
Every year, I try to write an annual letter to our families and friends, but instead of sending them out at Christmas time, I try to send them in July, around our anniversary. Much like yours, I'm sure, our lives get busy, and I don't have much time or motivation to write that letter. This year, we have decided to send the letter with our Christmas card, and guess what, Shutterfly has a card just PERFECT for this! I have looked at other sites, but none of their cards jumped out at me like the selection on Shutterfly.com. Take a look at the card I made by clicking here.
You don't have to just make Christmas cards. I always enjoy getting cards celebrating birthdays. We don't do this yet, but once we have kids, I'll be sure to make some birthday cards.
I hope you enjoy the card I made this year on Shutterfly, and I hope you get creative and make some of your own. You won't regret spending time on these projects, because they will be around for your children, and grandchildren to see. (My Grandma has saved some of the photocards they had made from the 70's, when my Dad was a hippie. LOL) The photobooks we have will last for years, and I bet they'll even outlast the scrapbooks I've made. Jeff and I wish you a very Merry Christmas, and we look forward to seeing your Christmas card!
p.s. After reading this blog to get Jeff's approval, he said, "That's a great Blog! It sounds like a commercial." I had to share that with you. It made me chuckle.

Long time, no Blog...

2010-12-01T20:36:00.000-08:00

I really am still alive! I promise. I could give several reasons why I haven't been on, but that's boring. This is the straight to the point reason I am back...
I started this Blog when Jeff and I were starting out Journey with Fertility, and we took a 'break' from going to the Dr. Well, I did anyway. It's hard to admit that I have to go see a specialist for this reason. Anyway. Jeff and I went back to see the Dr. at the beginning of November. So, back to the Journey, back to the Blog. . .
Last time I went to the Dr, he told me I didn't have PCOS, but that I did have PCOS like symptoms. How does someone have the symptoms, but not the syndrome? Anyway, this Dr. said I DO have PCOS. In fact, I have some of the most cystic ovaries he's seen. Not to encouraging I might add. Looking at my labs, and ultrasound, he said we can do this, but it will take a lot of work. Yes, I was more encouraged by this statement.The Dr. said I am insulin resistant. Basically, this is the opposite of being diabetic, but just as bad, and harmful to my body. My body over produces insulin, but doesn't realize it's there, so the insulin doesn't get used. The Dr. put me on a SUPER strict diet, much like the one I was on last year. No carbs, sugars, or really, not much of anything. I am able to eat meat, and above ground veggies. Oh yum right?! This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do! I mean, I LOVE food, and I LOVE sweets! But, I have to remember this is for the better. This is so I can give my husband a child. If I am not able to do this, that would be so selfish of me. I have to do this for my health, and my family. I am also on a medication (used for diabetics) that should help my sugar (insulin) production. With this, and not eating sugar, should pretty much help right? The Dr. is having me do this diet for 3 months, and we'll be going back on Valentines Day for our next appointment. (You'd think this is a bad date for Valentines Day, but with taking the Med hours for my appointment, I will then have the evening off, and we can date... pretty smart, right?) So, I'm not sure what to expect at the next appointment, but overall, Jeff and I are pretty optimistic this time around. I'm sure, not too long from now (a couple years) we will reach our goal of becoming parents.

Life Changing Events

2009-10-09T20:14:00.000-07:00

I am not too sure of how to add pics in the order I want. So, here is a pic first, and then my short story...
Picture was taken on Sept 26th. at Jason and Jessalyn's Wedding. I was a bridesmaid. It was a beautiful wedding.

Now, what I wrote first....

Sorry I haven't been on in a while, but honestly, I've forgotten to even log on. So much has been going on in my life these past few months. Just this week, there are 52 hours on my time sheet! So, I'm so busy at work, and always missing my hubby. This past weekend, Jeff and I went camping with some friends. Yes, it did rain, and was over cast and SO cold, but we had so much fun! We stayed warm by the fire, and inside the tent wasn't too bad either. We have a new air mattress (thank you Grandma) and added many layers of blankets and sleeping bags. We were fine! Ladder Ball is my new favorite outside game.

I would have to say the biggest news of all, is my weight loss journey. I have started a very serious, strict diet. I have VERY limited carbs, NO sugar or caffeine. Fresh veggies, only 1 serving of fruit in a day. So, I live on chicken breast and cucumbers. I drink about 5-8 bottles of water each day. I am to eat ever 2-3 hours, and sometimes that is a chore! I have to remember what exactly I eat, and the times, then I e-mail my "coach" each night with what I've eaten. He'll then give me a reply on how he thinks I'm doing... daily. I weigh myself each day, and add that to the e-mail. Since I started this Journey on Sept 1, I've lost 15 pounds. I am so excited to FINALLY lose weight. I've always wanted to do this, but never thought that I would be able to do something this drastic. I've seen it on t.v., but never thought it would be me. Now, I see my goal, and actually, believe it will happen. I want to lose weight for many reasons. I want to look good in clothes, I want to look good for my husband and family, I want to have more self confidence, but most of all, I want to be able to conceive children. I want this most of all for myself. I am so happy watching these 15 lbs come off, and hope that the next 15 lbs drop just as fast. My goal is only 32 lbs away, then I'll have a new goal, and aim for that.

I just wanted to share with you what has been my focus these past 5 1/2 weeks. I have about 4 1/2 more months left on this diet. I'll keep you posted on my success. I will not fail, I cannot fail.

Wedding

2009-07-27T20:35:00.000-07:00

My Cousin Heather got married this past weekend. Isn't she just beautiful?!

Jeff and I just before the wedding.

The Bride and Groom coming out!

The wedding......

Our Luau

2009-06-17T22:37:00.001-07:00

Jeff and I had our 3rd annual BBQ this past Saturday. We had so much fun with everyone who was able to attend. Here are a few pictures of the night.

This is a veiw of the party at night. I bought all the lights after christmas for 75% off! It was a great deal. I didn't even use all I had bought!

This is a view of the "kitchen". The tree is actually a cooler. We used it to put ice water in to hold all the bottles of water.

My handsome hubby getting ready to cook all the beef, pork, and chicken. They (he and dad) also grilled up some Asparagus. It was so yummy!

This picture was taken by Alethea. These were the lanterns I had gotten at a dollar store. Funny thing, Kane told me we could turn all the lights on and the batteries would last until it got dark out, but they didn't. We bought all those batteries, and they were all dead by the time it finally did get dark out. Oh well, the lights they were hanging on lit them up enough. I thought it was still very pretty.

This tiki hut was designed by me, and built by Jeff, with help from my Daddy, and Kane. I bought the "Lei Lady" at a party store in Kokomo. These were some of my favorite things at the party. Picture taken by Alethea.

This is one of my dogs, Shia. She is a Puggle (1/2 pug, 1/2 beagle) She was wearing a grass skirt, and a lei. She was just TOO cute! Rogan was running around with a blue lei on. I didn't want anyone to think he was a girl. Picture taken by Alethea.

I hope you enjoyed SOME of the pictures from our Luau. It's the first luau I've ever hosted, and I'm very happy with the turn out.

Finally a Vacation!

2009-06-08T20:59:00.000-07:00

I have been working so much, and hardly ever using any vacation time, and so now I have about 77 hours of vacation time available to me. My bff is coming from Seattle to visit, and I'm taking 5 days off, then the office gave me a "day off" right after those days. I'm super lucky! I am so happy to be just a few days away from hanging out with my bff. We are having our 3rd annual bbq this Saturday, Luau themed. I'm sure I'll be posting some pics of that! We (I) have gone nuts getting all the decor for the party. The last two bbq's we've done have had no decorations, but this, being a luau, just HAS to have as much as possible! I designed a "tiki hut" and Jeff built it. It is BEAUTIFUL! It is just how I wanted it. Then, i added cloth top, grass skirt, grass fringe on the top, and lights all over it. When the dollar stores started coming out with their summer stuff, I was in heaven. I got several lanterns, and lights. Just after Christmas, I got tons of Christmas lights on sale... 75% off. It was amazing! When she gets here, we are going to stay up late talking, painting nails, and just enjoy the time we get to spend together. I am so lucky to have the amazing friends in my life, and our relationship is one of the best I have ever had. We live worlds apart, but talk 1-3 times a day. Thank goodness for free mobile to mobile calls, and facebook! So, the few days we'll spend in each others company will be some of the best days of this year so far. Don't get me wrong, I love all my friends! I am so lucky to have them all, but when I get to see them on a weekly basis, I seem to not appreciate it as much. I have some amazing people in my life, and this weekend, most of them will be at my house! I can't wait to start taking pictures, then I'll share them with you!!!

TTC update...
I took the O tests, but they were all negative. I haven't even taken a prego test, because I don't think I am, I don't want to waste the money on the test, and I don't want to be broken hearted again. I haven't called the Dr. and tell him all this stuff either. I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders when I have to take these stupid meds. If God wants me to get prego, he'll do it himself, and I won't need meds. I just wanna quit. Seriously. I didn't even tell Jeff that I haven't taken a prego test, or called the Dr, or any of that, but... he hasn't asked either. I finally did tell him when someone asked about it, and he was standing right next to me. I hate how it is all up to me. I feel like I can't just give up or quit, because I have family who wants us to have kids so badly, then they make me feel bad for wanting to give up. I'm sorry. I don't have the money to skip all these first steps and go straight for IVF, and all that crazy stuff. I just might be one of those women who never do have children... or maybe not. Who knows? Only God knows. I (sometimes) feel like I am not a real woman because I can't get pregnant. I feel like I am letting my husband down, and all of our family down. I just wish sometimes I can just settle with having dogs as kids. It's working for me right now... :) I pray with all my heart to take the desire for children away. Then it wouldn't hurt so bad. Seriously, this Fertility crap is getting on my last nerves. I didn't ask for this, but no one ever does. I didn't ask to be overweight either. But I think that somehow is linked to my fertility issues.

That was just going to be a TTC update, but turned into a rant. I'm sorry..... but I feel a little better now.

Update...

2009-05-07T22:07:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to let you know that the meds I was one for a month worked, then I started taking Clomid. (to get me to ovulate) So far, every O test has been negative. The Dr. wants us to try three rounds of this, and this was only our 2nd round. After the third round, I'll go back to the Dr. to find out what our next step is.

Prayer Request!

2009-04-22T21:11:00.000-07:00

I wanted to get online and update about me tonight, but then I heard some horrible news. My friend from High School and her Husband (Larry and Alicia Cunningham) lost their 18 month old baby girl today. I don't know many details, but this is their third and youngest daughter. Please pray for them and their families. I don't have to explain how horrible this is to you, so please keep them in your prayers.

(as for me, I'll update later.)

Easter and a Poem

2009-04-12T21:05:00.000-07:00

I hope everyone had a wonderful Easter! Mine was very interesting. I was going to have to be working this morning, but then both of the ladies I work with were going home to be with their families. It was 10pm last night when I got off work, and I hadn't heard of anywhere else they wanted to put me. So, I started making plans with my husband and his family. Then, at midnight, I got a call from the On-call phone telling me they had just had a call off and needed me to work this morning at 8am. I have never missed an Easter service... ever! I actually had to work this morning. I was so bummed. Good news is that I did get off early. I got off at 12:30pm, and made it just in time to have Easter dinner with the in-laws. It was a nice rest of the day. When I did arrive to the in-laws, I saw my handsome hubby there, in a tux! He thought he would surprise me by dressing up extra nice. I sure felt underdresssed with my blue and lime top, and a jean skirt. He looked so nice, and it just made my day. I love him!

I found this poem tonight, and I just had to post it. It explains just about exactly what I feel most of the time. Life is not fair!

When do I stop?
When do I stop?
When do I realize it's enough?
Why does it have to be me who has it so tough?
There are many out there who are evil and cruel.
Yet do You burden them with an infertility curse?
A 16 year old delivers a healthy baby boy then throws him in the garbage like some old broken toy.
A drug addict has 3 beautiful little ones and beats them black and blue for nothing they have done.
A worn-out woman with already more than she can bear sighs dissapointedly when she sees two lines are there.
God give me one, just one to cherish all my days And I promise that to You I'll give all glory, credit and praise.
Make it stop this intense longing and fear.
Please give me a child that I can hold near!

Author of this Infertility Poetry Shelley Cross

I have started the last week of my medications, then I'll just be waiting for my cycle. After that I'll start Clomid to induce ovulation. (fingers crossed)

We're PREGNANT!

2009-04-01T08:30:00.000-07:00

Well, ok, so this is and April Fools...
The Story goes like this...
Seven years ago, Jeff and I pranked his parents by walking into their living room and saying we were dating. We were holding hands and then we said April Fools, and dropped hands. Jeffs father didn't think it was too funny because he just knew that I didn't want it to be April Fools. (He was right) We just kept being best friends, until... 21st of April, we actually did start to date. It's kinda a joke in the family that we have to be carefull what we prank on April Fools. So, I'm just trying to use this as a way to get pregnant! LOL! So, if I actually prank people about it, then maybe by the 21st, i'll actually be pregnant! LOL It's far out there, but hey, don't judge me! LOL! I'm still taking my medications, and will let you know when if they have done their job, and when I start Clomid. I don't want to get too much into detail and bore everyone with infertility junk, so I'll just give out the basics. Have a wonderful and safe April Fools. (Please pray for us that we do get pregnant this round.)

My First Blog

2009-03-22T08:46:00.000-07:00

I have decided to begin this blog because I've been reading other blogs, and think it is a great way to keep everyone up to date. I once was a Xanga blogger, but then Xanga changed so much, I didn't like the site anymore. I didn't really blog about important things, just basically whatever was on my mind at the moment. I would say, a longer version of "updating my status". I want to make this a more personal blog. A blog to let family and friends know where Jeff and I are in the Battle of Infertility.
This is my first blog on this site, and I haven't quite figured everything out, so bare with me, as I attempt this. I am going to try to tell the story up until this point.

Jeff and I got married July 2, 2005 in Galveston. I wanted to start our family right away, but Jeff didn't quite agree. Since we got married, we neither tried for a family nor prevented either. Just, whatever happened would happen. Jeff and I have been married 3 1/2 years, and we still do not have any children. I knew something was wrong and didn't think it would be easy for me to conceive long before we got married. I haven't had a monthly cycle since 2002. That would be a blessing for most women, and I have been quite lucky, but I knew it wasn't normal, and I was right. My blood tests came back with "abnormally high testosterone" and my sugar levels were "border line diabetic". I also had ultra sounds done, and there were many little cysts on my ovaries. I was told I had PCOS. (Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome) It's all still so confusing to me. Basically, I don't have a monthly cycle, I have cysts all over my ovaries, and my hormones are out of wack. I was on a diabetic medication that had something to do with hormones, and was known to help women with PCOS conceive. That medication did not do so well with my system, and I asked to be taken off of it. My Dr. put me on a medication that was to induce a cycle, and after two rounds of meds, and no positive results, I asked the Dr. if she could maybe double the dose. She tried that twice, and I still had no positive results. My Dr. then referred me to a Fertility specialist. That's when my fears became reality. I visited a Dr. down in Carmel, and he has put me on a medication to also induce a cycle. This time, after a month of Medication, and doubling up on the meds, It finally worked. It was light, and hardly even there, but I counted it! The Dr. put me on Clomid. A med to induce ovulation, and recommended I get an ovulation predictor kit to find my ovulating days. I took the tests, and had all negative results. I just started month 2 of the meds to induce another cycle, and then I will take Clomid again. I hope this time I will have a positive ovulation. I'll update you on how that goes.

I never knew how hard it would be to get pregnant. When everyone was asked what do you want to be when you grow up, I wanted to be two things, a Vet, and a Mommy. I actually, would rather be the stay at home Mom, and I always saw myself having four kids. I still remember the first time I heard of someone not being able to get pregnant. I was a young girl, and it was a couple in our church. My heart hurt for her. I didn't fully understand everything, but I did know they were married, and that's just was married people do, they have babies. I knew she wanted kids of her own so badly. I even remember thinking how awful that would be to not be able to get pregnant, and I never thought it would happen to me. Now, as a grown woman dealing with infertility, I understand a little more of what she went through. My heart hurts that I can't give my husband, an only Son, any children. Not at this moment anyway. What hurts my heart the most is seeing other women/girls having children who don't even need or want them. Women who aren't married, and didn't plan on getting pregnant. "Oops, I didn't mean to" or "it's not like I was trying" are about the worse things they can say. On the other hand, my heart is full of Joy for the women who are married, and who have jobs, and who will love their baby more than anything else. I am not so fragile that I can't handle the news of a woman being pregnant. I am more than happy for most women, and I don't want anyone to feel like they can't talk to me about finding out someone is pregnant, or think they will hurt my feelings talking about their pregnancy. At this moment I can name off 14 women who have either just had a baby, or are pregnant, and I am full of Joy for 12 of them. (lol)

I hope I have made a few things clear in this blog, and I don't mean to offend anyone. This is my life, and I am sharing it with you.

I have to keep telling myself two things...
God will not give me anything I cannot handle.
...and...
It is what it is, It is not what it seems, God has a plan.