I have decided to begin this blog because I've been reading other blogs, and think it is a great way to keep everyone up to date. I once was a Xanga blogger, but then Xanga changed so much, I didn't like the site anymore. I didn't really blog about important things, just basically whatever was on my mind at the moment. I would say, a longer version of "updating my status". I want to make this a more personal blog. A blog to let family and friends know where Jeff and I are in the Battle of Infertility.
This is my first blog on this site, and I haven't quite figured everything out, so bare with me, as I attempt this. I am going to try to tell the story up until this point.
Jeff and I got married July 2, 2005 in Galveston. I wanted to start our family right away, but Jeff didn't quite agree. Since we got married, we neither tried for a family nor prevented either. Just, whatever happened would happen. Jeff and I have been married 3 1/2 years, and we still do not have any children. I knew something was wrong and didn't think it would be easy for me to conceive long before we got married. I haven't had a monthly cycle since 2002. That would be a blessing for most women, and I have been quite lucky, but I knew it wasn't normal, and I was right. My blood tests came back with "abnormally high testosterone" and my sugar levels were "border line diabetic". I also had ultra sounds done, and there were many little cysts on my ovaries. I was told I had PCOS. (Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome) It's all still so confusing to me. Basically, I don't have a monthly cycle, I have cysts all over my ovaries, and my hormones are out of wack. I was on a diabetic medication that had something to do with hormones, and was known to help women with PCOS conceive. That medication did not do so well with my system, and I asked to be taken off of it. My Dr. put me on a medication that was to induce a cycle, and after two rounds of meds, and no positive results, I asked the Dr. if she could maybe double the dose. She tried that twice, and I still had no positive results. My Dr. then referred me to a Fertility specialist. That's when my fears became reality. I visited a Dr. down in Carmel, and he has put me on a medication to also induce a cycle. This time, after a month of Medication, and doubling up on the meds, It finally worked. It was light, and hardly even there, but I counted it! The Dr. put me on Clomid. A med to induce ovulation, and recommended I get an ovulation predictor kit to find my ovulating days. I took the tests, and had all negative results. I just started month 2 of the meds to induce another cycle, and then I will take Clomid again. I hope this time I will have a positive ovulation. I'll update you on how that goes.
I never knew how hard it would be to get pregnant. When everyone was asked what do you want to be when you grow up, I wanted to be two things, a Vet, and a Mommy. I actually, would rather be the stay at home Mom, and I always saw myself having four kids. I still remember the first time I heard of someone not being able to get pregnant. I was a young girl, and it was a couple in our church. My heart hurt for her. I didn't fully understand everything, but I did know they were married, and that's just was married people do, they have babies. I knew she wanted kids of her own so badly. I even remember thinking how awful that would be to not be able to get pregnant, and I never thought it would happen to me. Now, as a grown woman dealing with infertility, I understand a little more of what she went through. My heart hurts that I can't give my husband, an only Son, any children. Not at this moment anyway. What hurts my heart the most is seeing other women/girls having children who don't even need or want them. Women who aren't married, and didn't plan on getting pregnant. "Oops, I didn't mean to" or "it's not like I was trying" are about the worse things they can say. On the other hand, my heart is full of Joy for the women who are married, and who have jobs, and who will love their baby more than anything else. I am not so fragile that I can't handle the news of a woman being pregnant. I am more than happy for most women, and I don't want anyone to feel like they can't talk to me about finding out someone is pregnant, or think they will hurt my feelings talking about their pregnancy. At this moment I can name off 14 women who have either just had a baby, or are pregnant, and I am full of Joy for 12 of them. (lol)
I hope I have made a few things clear in this blog, and I don't mean to offend anyone. This is my life, and I am sharing it with you.
I have to keep telling myself two things...
God will not give me anything I cannot handle.
...and...
It is what it is, It is not what it seems, God has a plan.
