Life Changing Events

I am not too sure of how to add pics in the order I want. So, here is a pic first, and then my short story...
Picture was taken on Sept 26th. at Jason and Jessalyn's Wedding. I was a bridesmaid. It was a beautiful wedding.


Now, what I wrote first....

Sorry I haven't been on in a while, but honestly, I've forgotten to even log on. So much has been going on in my life these past few months. Just this week, there are 52 hours on my time sheet! So, I'm so busy at work, and always missing my hubby. This past weekend, Jeff and I went camping with some friends. Yes, it did rain, and was over cast and SO cold, but we had so much fun! We stayed warm by the fire, and inside the tent wasn't too bad either. We have a new air mattress (thank you Grandma) and added many layers of blankets and sleeping bags. We were fine! Ladder Ball is my new favorite outside game.

I would have to say the biggest news of all, is my weight loss journey. I have started a very serious, strict diet. I have VERY limited carbs, NO sugar or caffeine. Fresh veggies, only 1 serving of fruit in a day. So, I live on chicken breast and cucumbers. I drink about 5-8 bottles of water each day. I am to eat ever 2-3 hours, and sometimes that is a chore! I have to remember what exactly I eat, and the times, then I e-mail my "coach" each night with what I've eaten. He'll then give me a reply on how he thinks I'm doing... daily. I weigh myself each day, and add that to the e-mail. Since I started this Journey on Sept 1, I've lost 15 pounds. I am so excited to FINALLY lose weight. I've always wanted to do this, but never thought that I would be able to do something this drastic. I've seen it on t.v., but never thought it would be me. Now, I see my goal, and actually, believe it will happen. I want to lose weight for many reasons. I want to look good in clothes, I want to look good for my husband and family, I want to have more self confidence, but most of all, I want to be able to conceive children. I want this most of all for myself. I am so happy watching these 15 lbs come off, and hope that the next 15 lbs drop just as fast. My goal is only 32 lbs away, then I'll have a new goal, and aim for that.

I just wanted to share with you what has been my focus these past 5 1/2 weeks. I have about 4 1/2 more months left on this diet. I'll keep you posted on my success. I will not fail, I cannot fail.

Wedding

My Cousin Heather got married this past weekend. Isn't she just beautiful?!

Jeff and I just before the wedding.

The Bride and Groom coming out!

The wedding......

Our Luau

Jeff and I had our 3rd annual BBQ this past Saturday. We had so much fun with everyone who was able to attend. Here are a few pictures of the night.

This is a veiw of the party at night. I bought all the lights after christmas for 75% off! It was a great deal. I didn't even use all I had bought!

This is a view of the "kitchen". The tree is actually a cooler. We used it to put ice water in to hold all the bottles of water.

My handsome hubby getting ready to cook all the beef, pork, and chicken. They (he and dad) also grilled up some Asparagus. It was so yummy!

This picture was taken by Alethea. These were the lanterns I had gotten at a dollar store. Funny thing, Kane told me we could turn all the lights on and the batteries would last until it got dark out, but they didn't. We bought all those batteries, and they were all dead by the time it finally did get dark out. Oh well, the lights they were hanging on lit them up enough. I thought it was still very pretty.

This tiki hut was designed by me, and built by Jeff, with help from my Daddy, and Kane. I bought the "Lei Lady" at a party store in Kokomo. These were some of my favorite things at the party. Picture taken by Alethea.

This is one of my dogs, Shia. She is a Puggle (1/2 pug, 1/2 beagle) She was wearing a grass skirt, and a lei. She was just TOO cute! Rogan was running around with a blue lei on. I didn't want anyone to think he was a girl. Picture taken by Alethea.

I hope you enjoyed SOME of the pictures from our Luau. It's the first luau I've ever hosted, and I'm very happy with the turn out.

Finally a Vacation!

I have been working so much, and hardly ever using any vacation time, and so now I have about 77 hours of vacation time available to me. My bff is coming from Seattle to visit, and I'm taking 5 days off, then the office gave me a "day off" right after those days. I'm super lucky! I am so happy to be just a few days away from hanging out with my bff. We are having our 3rd annual bbq this Saturday, Luau themed. I'm sure I'll be posting some pics of that! We (I) have gone nuts getting all the decor for the party. The last two bbq's we've done have had no decorations, but this, being a luau, just HAS to have as much as possible! I designed a "tiki hut" and Jeff built it. It is BEAUTIFUL! It is just how I wanted it. Then, i added cloth top, grass skirt, grass fringe on the top, and lights all over it. When the dollar stores started coming out with their summer stuff, I was in heaven. I got several lanterns, and lights. Just after Christmas, I got tons of Christmas lights on sale... 75% off. It was amazing! When she gets here, we are going to stay up late talking, painting nails, and just enjoy the time we get to spend together. I am so lucky to have the amazing friends in my life, and our relationship is one of the best I have ever had. We live worlds apart, but talk 1-3 times a day. Thank goodness for free mobile to mobile calls, and facebook! So, the few days we'll spend in each others company will be some of the best days of this year so far. Don't get me wrong, I love all my friends! I am so lucky to have them all, but when I get to see them on a weekly basis, I seem to not appreciate it as much. I have some amazing people in my life, and this weekend, most of them will be at my house! I can't wait to start taking pictures, then I'll share them with you!!!

TTC update...
I took the O tests, but they were all negative. I haven't even taken a prego test, because I don't think I am, I don't want to waste the money on the test, and I don't want to be broken hearted again. I haven't called the Dr. and tell him all this stuff either. I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders when I have to take these stupid meds. If God wants me to get prego, he'll do it himself, and I won't need meds. I just wanna quit. Seriously. I didn't even tell Jeff that I haven't taken a prego test, or called the Dr, or any of that, but... he hasn't asked either. I finally did tell him when someone asked about it, and he was standing right next to me. I hate how it is all up to me. I feel like I can't just give up or quit, because I have family who wants us to have kids so badly, then they make me feel bad for wanting to give up. I'm sorry. I don't have the money to skip all these first steps and go straight for IVF, and all that crazy stuff. I just might be one of those women who never do have children... or maybe not. Who knows? Only God knows. I (sometimes) feel like I am not a real woman because I can't get pregnant. I feel like I am letting my husband down, and all of our family down. I just wish sometimes I can just settle with having dogs as kids. It's working for me right now... :) I pray with all my heart to take the desire for children away. Then it wouldn't hurt so bad. Seriously, this Fertility crap is getting on my last nerves. I didn't ask for this, but no one ever does. I didn't ask to be overweight either. But I think that somehow is linked to my fertility issues.

That was just going to be a TTC update, but turned into a rant. I'm sorry..... but I feel a little better now.

Update...

I just wanted to let you know that the meds I was one for a month worked, then I started taking Clomid. (to get me to ovulate) So far, every O test has been negative. The Dr. wants us to try three rounds of this, and this was only our 2nd round. After the third round, I'll go back to the Dr. to find out what our next step is.

Prayer Request!

I wanted to get online and update about me tonight, but then I heard some horrible news. My friend from High School and her Husband (Larry and Alicia Cunningham) lost their 18 month old baby girl today. I don't know many details, but this is their third and youngest daughter. Please pray for them and their families. I don't have to explain how horrible this is to you, so please keep them in your prayers.

(as for me, I'll update later.)

Easter and a Poem

I hope everyone had a wonderful Easter! Mine was very interesting. I was going to have to be working this morning, but then both of the ladies I work with were going home to be with their families. It was 10pm last night when I got off work, and I hadn't heard of anywhere else they wanted to put me. So, I started making plans with my husband and his family. Then, at midnight, I got a call from the On-call phone telling me they had just had a call off and needed me to work this morning at 8am. I have never missed an Easter service... ever! I actually had to work this morning. I was so bummed. Good news is that I did get off early. I got off at 12:30pm, and made it just in time to have Easter dinner with the in-laws. It was a nice rest of the day. When I did arrive to the in-laws, I saw my handsome hubby there, in a tux! He thought he would surprise me by dressing up extra nice. I sure felt underdresssed with my blue and lime top, and a jean skirt. He looked so nice, and it just made my day. I love him!

I found this poem tonight, and I just had to post it. It explains just about exactly what I feel most of the time. Life is not fair!


When do I stop?
When do I stop?
When do I realize it's enough?
Why does it have to be me who has it so tough?
There are many out there who are evil and cruel.
Yet do You burden them with an infertility curse?
A 16 year old delivers a healthy baby boy then throws him in the garbage like some old broken toy.
A drug addict has 3 beautiful little ones and beats them black and blue for nothing they have done.
A worn-out woman with already more than she can bear sighs dissapointedly when she sees two lines are there.
God give me one, just one to cherish all my days And I promise that to You I'll give all glory, credit and praise.
Make it stop this intense longing and fear.
Please give me a child that I can hold near!

Author of this Infertility Poetry Shelley Cross

I have started the last week of my medications, then I'll just be waiting for my cycle. After that I'll start Clomid to induce ovulation. (fingers crossed)

We're PREGNANT!

Well, ok, so this is and April Fools...
The Story goes like this...
Seven years ago, Jeff and I pranked his parents by walking into their living room and saying we were dating. We were holding hands and then we said April Fools, and dropped hands. Jeffs father didn't think it was too funny because he just knew that I didn't want it to be April Fools. (He was right) We just kept being best friends, until... 21st of April, we actually did start to date. It's kinda a joke in the family that we have to be carefull what we prank on April Fools. So, I'm just trying to use this as a way to get pregnant! LOL! So, if I actually prank people about it, then maybe by the 21st, i'll actually be pregnant! LOL It's far out there, but hey, don't judge me! LOL! I'm still taking my medications, and will let you know when if they have done their job, and when I start Clomid. I don't want to get too much into detail and bore everyone with infertility junk, so I'll just give out the basics. Have a wonderful and safe April Fools. (Please pray for us that we do get pregnant this round.)

My First Blog

I have decided to begin this blog because I've been reading other blogs, and think it is a great way to keep everyone up to date. I once was a Xanga blogger, but then Xanga changed so much, I didn't like the site anymore. I didn't really blog about important things, just basically whatever was on my mind at the moment. I would say, a longer version of "updating my status". I want to make this a more personal blog. A blog to let family and friends know where Jeff and I are in the Battle of Infertility.
This is my first blog on this site, and I haven't quite figured everything out, so bare with me, as I attempt this. I am going to try to tell the story up until this point.

Jeff and I got married July 2, 2005 in Galveston. I wanted to start our family right away, but Jeff didn't quite agree. Since we got married, we neither tried for a family nor prevented either. Just, whatever happened would happen. Jeff and I have been married 3 1/2 years, and we still do not have any children. I knew something was wrong and didn't think it would be easy for me to conceive long before we got married. I haven't had a monthly cycle since 2002. That would be a blessing for most women, and I have been quite lucky, but I knew it wasn't normal, and I was right. My blood tests came back with "abnormally high testosterone" and my sugar levels were "border line diabetic". I also had ultra sounds done, and there were many little cysts on my ovaries. I was told I had PCOS. (Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome) It's all still so confusing to me. Basically, I don't have a monthly cycle, I have cysts all over my ovaries, and my hormones are out of wack. I was on a diabetic medication that had something to do with hormones, and was known to help women with PCOS conceive. That medication did not do so well with my system, and I asked to be taken off of it. My Dr. put me on a medication that was to induce a cycle, and after two rounds of meds, and no positive results, I asked the Dr. if she could maybe double the dose. She tried that twice, and I still had no positive results. My Dr. then referred me to a Fertility specialist. That's when my fears became reality. I visited a Dr. down in Carmel, and he has put me on a medication to also induce a cycle. This time, after a month of Medication, and doubling up on the meds, It finally worked. It was light, and hardly even there, but I counted it! The Dr. put me on Clomid. A med to induce ovulation, and recommended I get an ovulation predictor kit to find my ovulating days. I took the tests, and had all negative results. I just started month 2 of the meds to induce another cycle, and then I will take Clomid again. I hope this time I will have a positive ovulation. I'll update you on how that goes.

I never knew how hard it would be to get pregnant. When everyone was asked what do you want to be when you grow up, I wanted to be two things, a Vet, and a Mommy. I actually, would rather be the stay at home Mom, and I always saw myself having four kids. I still remember the first time I heard of someone not being able to get pregnant. I was a young girl, and it was a couple in our church. My heart hurt for her. I didn't fully understand everything, but I did know they were married, and that's just was married people do, they have babies. I knew she wanted kids of her own so badly. I even remember thinking how awful that would be to not be able to get pregnant, and I never thought it would happen to me. Now, as a grown woman dealing with infertility, I understand a little more of what she went through. My heart hurts that I can't give my husband, an only Son, any children. Not at this moment anyway. What hurts my heart the most is seeing other women/girls having children who don't even need or want them. Women who aren't married, and didn't plan on getting pregnant. "Oops, I didn't mean to" or "it's not like I was trying" are about the worse things they can say. On the other hand, my heart is full of Joy for the women who are married, and who have jobs, and who will love their baby more than anything else. I am not so fragile that I can't handle the news of a woman being pregnant. I am more than happy for most women, and I don't want anyone to feel like they can't talk to me about finding out someone is pregnant, or think they will hurt my feelings talking about their pregnancy. At this moment I can name off 14 women who have either just had a baby, or are pregnant, and I am full of Joy for 12 of them. (lol)

I hope I have made a few things clear in this blog, and I don't mean to offend anyone. This is my life, and I am sharing it with you.

I have to keep telling myself two things...
God will not give me anything I cannot handle.
...and...
It is what it is, It is not what it seems, God has a plan.